Lessons From an Ended Relationship

This morning was a difficult morning. A group that I have been part of for over three years came to a close. This was not the original plan; we expected to be together for much longer, but that didn't happen. Over the last year I think we could all see it was coming and today was just the time for us to declare it over. Today also gave us the opportunity to talk with each other and talk about how important the relationships are that we've formed and what we've learned from our time together.

This group was a father/son group and as our boys got older it was hard to maintain the cohesion necessary. It is much easier for 8-12 year old boys to relate to each other than 11-15 year olds. Add in some additional 8 and 9 year olds and it becomes even more challenging. It probably was possible, but it would have taken much more energy and focus than we were able to give it.

And while father/son groups can be successful, it is important that the families are involved as well. And by families I mean wives in particular. One thing you learn in working with a group of family men is that their non-work schedule is never fully their own. Our leisure schedules as dads are at some level or another either directed, controlled or hijacked by our family. That's not a problem, just a reality of life. If we don't include our wives as part of the event scheduling, it creates conflicts. Even better, if we can include our spouses in the actual event or its planning, there is much more likelihood of the event happening.

Another area that can hurt any small group is a failure to make strong commitments up front or, in longer standing groups, to renew commitments periodically. Sometimes were afraid to ask the tough question or to make the tough statement about our attitudes concerning the group. Ultimately, if you only have marginal participation and involvement than you can only have a marginal relationship. To have a significant relationship takes significant commitment. That's true in all relationships; business, church and personal.

If we truly understood that it takes commitment to maintain healthy relationships, than we would be more willing to walk away from some relationships we've built after our interest or need for them has waned. Hanging on, keeps us from moving on and drags the group down too. From the group perspective, group members need to be more willing to cut the strings with those in the group who can't make the commitment but are unwilling to walk away on their own(for whatever reason.)

Sometimes with a specific group it is just time to move on. That was true for this group. While there are elements that I will greatly miss, this was the right decision. I hope the lesssons we learned as men and fathers will strengthen us as we look ahead to new relationships that can form in the place of the ones that we've had. My life is much stronger and richer because of the relationships I've formed in this group and I hope it enables me to be even more effective as a group member in the future.